I hate goodbyes (Part 2)

June 13, 2009

I just wanted to post a quick update. I did go visit Bienka that evening and it was great to be able to hang out with her before she left, even if it was just for about an hour. She was so swamped with trying to finish getting everything ready for the move. It made me appreciate even more the time we spent together that evening, because she took some of her precious time to spend it with me.

Of course, I ended up balling my eyes out before I even left. I was unable to stop myself, and after I got in my car and headed towards my home, I started crying even harder. So hard in fact, that I could barely see the road while I was driving. (Good thing I only live a couple minutes away and that there was no traffic!)

Like I mentioned in the last post, I had not cried in about 2 years. And I mean, not 1 tear! I've never had that problem in the past, I have always been very in touch with my emotions. If I needed to cry, I would cry and get it over with. It always feels so much better after you let it out! I think I started holding it in after we moved across country. I was far from all our families (aka my support system) , felt very alone as my husband works away 2 weeks at a time, and did not have many friends yet. I felt like I had to hold myself together for the sake of my kids. It turned my hart into a rock almost. Being unable to cry felt inhuman to me. And as a result, when something would happen, I would skip the sad emotions and jump straight to the "pissed off" stage. That's a recipe for disaster if you ask me. It made me an angry and upset mom, alot of the times.

Though I had alot of moments of happiness in that 2 year period, I can honestly say that crying that night was one of the best thing that has happened to me lately! I know it sounds strange, but now, I feel FREE! It's like I've been able to let go of all the things that were making me angry inside, and now I can just BE. Be a patient mom again, be a happy person, be at peace. I truly have seen a difference in the past few days... Strange, eh?

Well, as much as I miss Bienka already (I almost called her a couple times already, forgetting that she moved), now I know that I will be OK and that our friendship is strong enough to survive a move. We may not be able to do play dates and lunches every week anymore, or may not even be able to talk on the phone regularly either. But we will still be friends and in the end, that's all that matters!


Anonymous said...

I understand completely - I find it really hard to cry these days too and the last time I did it felt fantastic. My book had just been rejected and then I slipped downstairs and the mix of the physical shock and pain with the disapointment just had me bursting into tears and it felt so good! I quite miss being a weeper...

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